


Tales from the AVALANCHE

by the_emerald_rose



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Fun, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4521021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_emerald_rose/pseuds/the_emerald_rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of fun adventures from our favorite heroes. Tags and description are subject to changes. On hiatus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Knitting Ninja

**Author's Note:**

> A friend told me about a great idea, and I read it, and I said, "I'll have something posted for you by 7 PM." When I opened my document that I used for this sort of thing, I found.... this.  
> I had forgotten that I'm actually hilarious.
> 
> On hiatus.

There was a cozy on my arm when I woke up.

"The fuck?" I grumbled as I rolled out of bed. It was handmade, knit with love and care, and the perfect shade of green to match my favorite vest. It didn't look like anyone had gotten into my room. "Yo!" I called, getting up. Oh, shouldn't have done that. Damn these joints. "What the fuck!"

I left my room. Cid was in the kitchen, looking at his favorite teapot. A cozy had been applied to his favorite teapot. Cid looked up at me and said, "I don't know, man." He returned to staring at the teapot in the most desolate manner possible. "My pack of cigs has one, too."

Cloud entered next, woken by my yelling. He looked at the teapot, looked at my arm, started giggling maniacally, and then went to fix himself some coffee.

"Who the fuck did this?!" I demanded as I yanked out a chair. I straddled it, looking down at my arm.

Cid shrugged and poured us both a cup of tea. He poured a third as Vincent approached, wordlessly sitting in a chair. His weird claw thing was wrapped in a knit glove thing. He didn't look happy. Then again, when the hell did this guy look happy? Cid offered, "Well, all the knit things are well made. Vincent, may I--"

"No."

"Okay, we can't look at the clawglove." Cid gestured to the teapot instead, saying, "There are no dropped stitches. This was made really well." He pointed to my gunarm cozy and said, "And that was made literally around you, while you slept."

I stroked my beard. I forgot to shave. Dammit. "So we're looking for someone who's stealthy, and can knit."

Tifa came downstairs next. She was wrapped in an overly large sweater, with a snowflake pattern on it. She snickered at the tea cozy and said, "We have a knitting ninja on our hands. Or, you could say, a knitja."

Cid and I groaned at the pun as she continued snickering. Vincent grimaced, but didn't say anything. Tifa continued in to the kitchen next.

Suddenly, something thumped down the stairs. From that general direction, we heard Red groan, "Owwwwww."

"What is it, Red?" Cid asked, fixing himself another cup of tea. He offered Vincent a refill.

Red made his way into the room, shaking his paws in the air as he moved. He whined, "Someone put these accursed contraptions on me." He shook his paws some more. You couldn't really tell, since the color matched his fur so perfectly, but he now had little booties on all his feet. He plopped down on his side and asked, "Can someone PLEASE get these off of me?"

Vincent knelt down and plucked the booties off of Red's paws. He said, "Our knitja strikes again." He held them up closer to his face and concluded, "These were made around your feet. Our knitja is able to get into rooms undetected, can make crafts around sensitive feet..."

Cait Shit--er, I mean Cait Piece Of Shit--um, Cait Lying Bastard--I mean uhh CAT SHIT--fuck. That damned cat came in next. It had sitting on its head a little knit version of itself. It said, "Well, heck. You guys got hit, too?"

I nodded, gesturing to my gunarm cozy. Red continued to whine on the floor. Vincent was tugging slightly at his claw cozy. Cid had just accepted his fate.

Cloud emerged from the kitchen with his coffee. He looked at the lot of us, cackled maniacally, and returned to his room. He then screamed, ran downstairs, and held up his sword. He whispered, "Someone knit Georgina a cute dress." Indeed, his sword was now clad in a purple dress. Cloud looked skyward and whispered, "Praise be to Knitja." He then returned upstairs.

The last member of the crew came downstairs. Our actual ninja. Though, she had been knitted, too. She had a foul face on as she grumbled, "Someone replaced my shuriken with a knit version." She held up the knit copy. "I am displeased."

The seven of us gathered around the table. Tifa delivered breakfast, with bacon and eggs and sausage and chicken. And we pondered. Tifa started, "Our knitja has access to every room in the house. Either we're dealing with someone who broke into our house, or someone in here is a secret knitter."

Cid nodded. "First, we should eliminate the people who physically can't knit." He pointed to me. "Barret, you're clear."

"Damn straight I'm clear!"

"Red, you're also clear."

Red continued to flop. "Good," he grumbled. "... Vincent, could you please reapply those dastardly things? My feet are cold."

Vincent knelt down to reapply the booties. Cid said, "And I'm... well, Vincent, how much mobili--"

In response to the question, Vincent took off the claw and placed it on the table.

"... Right. Vincent is clear."

Vincent reattached his arm. His metal fingers flexed slightly, but not much. Tifa said, "Well, I crochet, but these are all knit."

Yuffie shrugged. "I can embroider things," she said, slinking into the kitchen for some coffee. "I hate doing it, but like, royalty and shiz or somethin', I dunno."

Cid looked down at his hands. "... I do know how to knit, but I ain't stealthy." It was true. Cid clomped in ways you couldn't imagine. Cid continued, "And anywho, that material gives me hives. I wouldn't work with that shit."

Cloud came back downstairs. He snickered a bit, then said, "The knitja is a blessing from above. We should not--"

"Cloud." Vincent started.

"Myes?"

"Shut up."

"Okay, shutting up."

Vincent tugged off the knit glove, saying, "I know how to knit. But with the state of my arm..."

That was everyone, then. Everyone except Cait. I glared at the thing and said, "Yo, hold up. What's your excuse?"

Cait shrugged. "Does it look like these little peepaws could knit things?"

Tifa went over to inspect them. She said, "... Yeah, they honestly could. The knitting was done with small needles."

It looked like Cait would be sweating, if that damned spy robot could sweat. He continued, "Well, how stealthy am I?"

Yuffie sipped deeply from her coffee cup. She then hoisted Cait up by the crown glued to his head, much to the robot's chagrin. She looked at the feet and said, "These shoes are really small and light. You're really light yourself, so you could sneak around."

"Could I sneak up on Mr. Vampire over there?"

Vincent glanced over. "... Even I sleep sometimes," he said after a moment of deliberation. "I sleep very, very deeply."

Cloud approached Cait. The thing was looking like it was about to melt into a pile of goo. Cloud fell to his knees and whispered reverently, "Praise be to Knitja." He then abruptly rose and grabbed Cait by the neck, hissing, "I want a full wardrobe for Georgina by dawn tomorrow. Work your little peepaws to the bone." He then disappeared.

The mystery was solved. I ripped off my gunarm cozy. For the rest of the day, Cait tried futily to deny his knitting prowess. We weren't falling for it, though.

Well, I wasn't until that night.

I went downstairs in the middle of the night for a glass of water. As I walked through the living room, I heard the furious clicking of metallic knitting needles. I slowly crept into the room.

The room was shrouded in darkness. Sitting in the easy chair, legs crossed and one hand knitting a long scarf, was our good friend Vincent. His claw was dangling over the side of the chair.

He noticed me enter, red eyes glowing in the dark. I grew up on stories of vampires, and none of them mentioned them knitting with one hand. In a flash, he was in my face. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move my good arm, or my gunarm.

Vincent whispered, "Breathe a word of this. I dare you."

I shook my head. "N-n-n-not a word."

"Good." Vincent slunk back to his seat. I practically ran back upstairs. I wasn't so thirsty anymore.

In the morning, I found a small Moomba plush, knitted with care, by my bedside.

That guy's so fuckin' CREEPY.


	2. The Cellphone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Technology does not make Vincent happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entire reason I opened the document in the first place.

Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.

I swore under my breath and continued to try to tap the screen. "The hell happened to buttons." I mutter as I tap the screen a little harder. Tink.

If I held the phone in my claw, the thing would clatter to the ground. No traction on smooth, polished metal. My only option was to hold the thing with my flesh hand.

 _Maybe if you just had two metal claws, it'd work out okay,_ Chaos whispered.

"That's a terrible idea," I muttered in reply. TINK. The little "Browser" icon tantilized me, teasing me with its very existence. TINK. Maybe if I just. Pressed. Hard enough.

_Want me to try?_

"No. I'm fine."

_You sure?_

"Positive." Maybe if I try another finger. Middle finger? TINK. Ring finger? TINK. Pinky? More like TINKy.

_You're not as funny as you think._

"Get out of my internal monologue." Let's try the thumb.

TI-CRRRK. Zzzzzzap.

I winced at the electrical jolt that ran through my body. I could feel Chaos snickering as I looked down. My claw's thumb had run clear through the phone, and out through the back. Some manner of clear liquid dribbled down through the back.

Just as I was about to pry the thing off my hand, Cloud burst into my room. I tucked the business end of the claw behind my back. "Vincent!" Cloud practically yelled.

"I'm dead, not deaf," I scolded.

_Still not as funny as you think~!_

It's hard to glare at your inner thoughts, but I managed it. Cloud said, "Sorry, sorry. I need your help."

"With?"

"Well there's a large shipment of garlic I need to prepare..." I glared. "... but actually um. Tifa threw out her back, and I gotta take something out to Nibelheim today. Do you think you could help her unpack some stuff?"

I can do that with one arm tied behind my back.

 _You're gonna have to,_ Chaos reminded me, _Cloud spent a good chunk of money on that thing! No one's gonna be happy that you skewered it._ I bit my lip and replied, "Sure thing."

"Great, thanks!" He rushed in and tugged me downstairs, just to make sure I was still going to do it.

Tifa was sitting in her favorite arm chair, the wire from a heated blanket snaking out over her shoulder. Cloud waved, and she meekly raised a hand in greeting. I said, "Here to help."

"Great, great," Tifa replied. She slowly got up and whimpered, then said, "Things're heavy."

Cloud rushed off to do... Cloudly things. I followed Tifa to the bar, where she gestured at the boxes of bottles and other ingredients. She gestured and said, "These go on the shelves with the same name." She then gestured to a few other boxes of fresh ingredients, for the blossoming restaurant portion of the 7th Heaven. "Those need to be fridged."

I nodded. I stooped down and began stocking the shelves. Chaos suggested I crack open the red wine and pour it all over myself and pretend it was blood. I'm not even going to merit the suggestion by transcribing the thought.

_But Vincent!_

But NOTHING.

Tifa looked to make sure I was reading the things right, then stepped back to a supervisory role. She asked, "Only one hand today?"

"No traction," I replied, "I'd rather work slow than drop half your bottles."

"Fair, fair." She shuffled over to the refrigerator and began tucking vegetables and various meats in there.

 _She'd punch you to the moon if she found out._ Chaos murmured. I bit the inside of my cheek. Like it or not, money was tight, and she probably would punch me. _Maybe she'd punch you so hard, she'd punch me right out of you! Wouldn't that be great? You'd be dead, I'd be free, all God's children'd be happy!_

Before I could even remark on that, Barret burst into the bar. "Tifa!" he bellowed. It wasn't the bellow of anger I was used to, but more of concern. "Tifa you gotta help!"

"What?" Tifa asked, hunched over a heavy box of oranges.

 _Is she afraid of scurvy?_ Chaos mused. _... Do you think you can get scurvy? I wanna find out._

I mouthed "NO" as loudly as I could without attracting attention.

Barret caught his breath, then said, "Yuffie's stuck in a tree."

"Again?!"

"Again! I tell her, "You can't climb trees if you can't get down when you get up there" and she says," and his voice jumped an octave to better emulate the bratty teen, ""YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, OLD MAN!""

Chaos snickered somewhere in the back of my mind. I glared internally. Tifa winced as she stood and said, "Well, I can't catch her. I've got a bad back."

Oh no.

Barret turned his gaze pleadingly towards me.

Nooooooooo.

_Yeeeeeeeees!_

NO!

_Yes!_

"C'mon, man," Barret begged, "You gotta help me."

"I can't catch her with one arm," I reminded him.

"The other one?"

"Sharp and pointy. I don't think she'd like being caught with sharp and pointy things, Barret."

Barret looked down at his gun arm. Please leave me alone please leave me alone I have an expensive and very dead electronic attached to my arm and there's something leaking onto the back of my cape and-- "I got it!" GOD DAMMIT BARRET. "We got two good arms between us!"

"Barret, no offense, but this sounds like the kind of harebrained scheme Chaos would come up with."

 _It'd be funny!_ Chaos piped. _She'd go SPLAT and you'd be covered in blood and Barret would scream and--_

"Definitely very Chaos," I concluded.

Barret grumbled and said, "I'd rather give it a shot than just let her be up there SCREAMING."

Oh right. She's a screamer. I groaned to myself and said, "FINE. Just. Let's get this over with."

Outside, perched on the tree just across the way, was the Wutaian ninja. Screaming. "HEY!" she yelled, pointing at some kid, "DO YOU SEE THIS LAND HERE?! IT'S MINE! I AM THE QUEEN OF TREETOPIA, DON'T YOU FORGET IT!" The kid scurried away much quicker than he'd entered. "YEAH YOU BETTER RUN! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE QUEEN OF TREETOPIA, AND I'M GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!"

 _I always forget how much I like her,_ Chaos mused. I could practically see daer finger stroking daer chin.

"Yuffie." She looked down at me. Barret and I got into position, both arms ready to catch her. "Get down."

She considered the options laid before her. Either jump, or continue to yell. Seemingly out of the blue, she asked, "What's behind your back?"

"My arm."

"Why?"

"I don't want to stab you or anything. Please get down."

She weighed her options again. Barret groaned. "Don't make me get Chaos in here," he warned.

I glanced at him, then pretended like I was listening to Chaos. I said, "Dae'd love to come up and rip you from the tree. And also your head from your body."

 _Lies and slander!_ Chaos cried, practically flailing in my mind at the indignation of the suggestion. _Decapitation is just too quick! I'd slowly but surely pluck off--_

"Please get down from there before Chaos floods my mind with more vicious thoughts."

No sooner had I even finished the thought had Yuffie yelped, then leapt from the tree into our waiting arms. Mission accompli--

"YO!" she yelled. RIGHT in my ear. Ow. She pointed at my claw, which had become exposed from the force of her jump. "The heck, Vinnie?"

I pulled the claw out, completely forgetting about the accident. Barret and Yuffie stared at the poor, impaled phone. I shirked into my cloak as Chaos taunted me. I managed, "It said... touch screen, so I..."

Barret patted my arm, in an understanding way. Yuffie snickered, then ran off into the bar. As luck would unfortunately have it, Cloud emerged from the back of the bar, ready to zip off.

Shit.

Before he could zip, he made his way over to me, then looked at the phone. Wordlessly, he pulled a similar model out of his back pocket. He pulled out a rubber case thing and strapped it to the phone, then placed both into my hand. And then, he pulled out a tiny stylus thing, with a rubber tip, and put it into my hand as well.

I pried the dead phone off my hand and dropped it to the ground with a clatter. I asked, "How'd you know?"

Cloud made his way back to the bike and said, "You've been dripping LCD and battery acid for half an hour, Vincent. You might want to get that claw cleaned up." And with that, he sped off.


	3. hear it blurbling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuffie has a moment with a glass of chocolate milk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by events that happened with my dog.

Nothing on this blessed green Planet compares to the majesty that is Tifa's famous chocolate milk. I have no idea how she makes it, but it's the nectar of the gods, I swear!

"Make sure to brush your teeth afterwards," she chided us as she topped off Denzel and Marlenes' glasses. "No one wants to have to go to the dentist."

Marlene and Denzel eagerly gulped down the delicious chocolate milk. Ah, youth. They haven't learned to savor the drink. Tifa tucked their empty glasses into the dishwasher and started owrk on the more damaged of them. She turned to me, silently asking if I would finish any time soon. In response, I blew bubbles into the drink.

She nodded, understanding. It was DAMN good chocolate milk. Not something to be chugged. Something to be relished. Tifa said, "I've got some errands to run today, so Miss Yuffie's gonna watch you."

Miss Yuffie. I always get a crack out of that. Miss. Yuffie.

"Okay, Miss Tifa!" Marlene chirped. Always a good one. She's getting taller now.

Denzel took more after Cloud, and was desperately attempting to be as stoic about the whole deal. He replied, "Got it."

Happy with their responses, Tifa left the 7th Heaven to do errands. Leaving me alone with the kids.

I blew another bubble into my milk, then asked, "Who wants to... play tag?"

Denzel looked at Marlene. Marlene looked at Denzel. And she looked at him, and he looked at her, and then they both looked at me, and--"Tag!" Denzel cried, breaking the stoic Cloud-persona. He slapped me on the arm and then ran off.

"Ohhhhhh, you're gonna get it!" I swung myself off the stool and pursued the tiny, small children. "I'm the queen of tag!" I boasted, practicall tripping over my own feet as I rounded a corner.

We played for maybe half an hour before the lure of my chocolate milk grew too much. And besides, the were having a good time with just the two of them. I returned to the bar stool and saw that the drink was, indeed, still there. Curled up on the easy chair in the corner was everyone's favorite not-quite bark beast, Nanaki. Vincent was sitting not too far off, reading something.

In their sitting, the components of the drink had... settled. "Ew. Nasty." I looked at the straw still stuck in the milk.

I could go at this two ways. I could try and stir it up, and hop it worked well, or... bubbles. The bubbles would disturb the mixture and bring the components up to the top, allowing for more easy stirring.

And bubbles are fun.

So I blew bubbles into the milk. I spun around on the barstool as I blew, then stopped to begin stirring.

Nanaki had gotten up, hackles raised and eyes filled with terror. I cocked my head to the side and asked, "What?"

He pointed with his tail and asked, "What on earth is that noise?"

"Oh uhh." I looked down at the milk and said, "I'm blowing bubbles in the milk. That's all."

Nanaki continued to stare, and I blew bubbles into the milk again. His catlike self leapt off of the chair to watch. His fur was sticking up, and his tail looked all bristley. I stopped, and he kept staring at me. He muttered, "What the hell..."

Ohhhh, I'm on to something here. "You mean this?" Blurblurblurblurble!

I got up and approached him, blurbling the whole way. He bolted from me, but turned to keep an eye on the noise. "Yuffie, why?!" he demanded, scampering away.

"Why not?" I asked, between blurbling.

We ran around the house for a bit, me blurbling all the way, until... a chill fell over me. Nanaki stared at something behind me, no longer scared of the blurbling. I continued to blurble, despite my inner instincts. I turned and...

Vincent was standing behind me. No, no that's not Vincent. That's. That's Chaos. The eyes are all gold, and the hair's wrong. I slowly lowered the cup and the straw. This is it. This is how I'm gonna die. I'm gonna get gutted for blurbling.

In a deep, echoing voice, Chaos demanded, "Don't stop."

I raised the glass and continued to blurble.

Chaos pulled over a chair and sat in it. Watching. Constantly watching. I felt a wave of unease every time i had to stop to get a breath of air in.

I stood for almost an hour, blurbling into the glass of milk. At some point, Nanaki returned, and sat next to Chaos, just... watching. Marlene and Denzel joined as well. Tifa returned, and I looked at her pleadingly.

"... Vincent, what the heck," she asked, setting down a package from the post office.

I looked, and indeed, it was just Vincent in the chair. He rose and chuckled, then said, "I transformed for two minutes, and she just didn't stop. I wasn't going to try and stop her."

I put the glass of milk down. Nanaki snickered as I slowly skulked off to my room. I'd been had! Next time. Next time I'll get them.

... aw damn. I never finished my milk.


	4. It's Tough, Being Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The life of Nanaki is tough.

Ugh.

I'm usually more eloquent than "Ugh". Right now, with all my understanding of language, all that comes to mind is, "Ugh."

This world wasn't meant for people like me. Mostly because most people didn't think of me as people. Yes, I have four feet, and yes, I have a tail, and yes, I don't wear clothes, and yes, I'm mostly carnivorous, but that doesn't mean I'm not people.

Being in human towns was hard. The children thought I was a big, lovable, yet weird dog. They'd run over and pet my ears and rub my belly and pull my tail and generally make a big fuss of me. They're okay. I guess. But any other person probably wouldn't be called "Puppy!" or "Clifford" or anything like that.

Then there were the adults. Just in the street, they could be a mixed bag. Either they thought I was a stray, and tried to get me turned in to animal control, or tried to shoo me away. Then there were the ones that thought I was a monster, and tried to kill me. Either way, I wasn't keen on dealing with them.

I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't go into the store, despite carrying gil and intending to purchase a chicken. I have become intimately familiar with the business end of many a broom.

And heaven forbid I speak. If I say, "Please don't pull my tail," to the children, they scream and run and come back with sticks. If I tell the adults, "I'm not a stray, thank you," they'll bring guns. And if I say, "I'm here to make a purchase. I brought money," to ANY store owner, well, we don't think about that.

So I was confined to the house, until I returned to Cosmo Canyon. In my experience, the team's been the most understanding of everyone. In our old place in Costa del Sol, the entire place was built with me in mind. There was a special handle on the fridge, so I could paw it open. There were boxes for me to climb on to get to the high shelves. Even the stairs were redesigned, just for me.

But now in Edge... well, the 7th Heaven was new, and they hadn't gotten that far yet.

I sat in the kitchen, staring up at the fridge. Cid had told me that while he was out, he'd gotten me some raw beef or something like that. He didn't get me chicken. Afraid of salmonella or something. But the fridge was stuck shut, unpawable and untoothable.

I sunk to my belly, head resting on my paws. Great. I can't eat until someone comes i--

"Ohhhhhhhhh," Cid sang as he entered the kitchen, carrying a large box labelled with some manner of alcohol. "What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?"

With a great THUNK, he dropped the box in front of one of the lower cabinets. He climbed on top of it, and it didn't give any way whatsoever. He pulled out a metal bar, slapped some glue or something on it, and stuck it to the cabinet door. He hummed a bit as he waited for the glue to set, then tested. It held.

Next, Cid hopped down and moved to the fridge, careful to step over me. He continued singing as he applied the same treatment to the door, so the bar was just at paw height. His work done, he meandered off again, whistling to himself.

I pawed the fridge door open, and snatched up the hunk of hamburger. Time for lu--

"WAIT!"

I froze, package of beef in my mouth. Cid had turned dramatically, and pointed the bottle of glue at me. After a long silence, he said, "Remember to take the plastic wrap off this time, got it?"

I removed the plastic wrap with my nose. He nodded in satisfaction, then went off on his merry way.


	5. The Final Frontier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space. The Final Frontier. ... It's been conquered already. Let's look at the ocean!

In all my years, I've travelled the earth, the sea, the sky, and even the stars. I've been to every neck of the world that I can possibly explore, and then some. I went into goddamned space!

You'd think with all this experience I wouldn't be afraid of the fucking ocean.

I could handle going to the beach some days. Yeah, I got scareolas now that I'm an older guy (but not a fuckin' grampa like Yuffie calls me), and yeah, I got a bit of the man titty going on, but the beach is okay. Mostly. Some days it's just. Not okay.

I've been to space and back, but the thought of sailing the open ocean scares me out of my wits. It doesn't help when Cloud decided he wanted to fight Emerald FUCKING Weapon.

"See that big green thing?" he'd said, pointing at it from inside the submarine. Tifa nodded. I kept my eyes away from the viewing platform. "I'm gonna fight it," he declared.

"Cloud, no," Tifa told him.

"Cloud, yes," he replied.

The first time we went down in the sub was probably the worst. With fucking torpedos chasin us and giant fucking squids and fucking whales and Cloud pressing buttons and Tifa trying to figure out what's going on and Cloud saying, "I'm gonna level with you guys, I have no idea what I'm doing," and just the... the...

It didn't help that I was heralded as "The Piloty Guy", and was ALWAYS brought on for sub expeditions. Barret handled it the best, despite having a fucking arm that fucking shoots fucking bullets into the fucking hull and could fucking drown us at any fucking minute. He'd ooh'd and ah'd over the greenery and the "beauty" of the ocean. Vincent was, well, Vincent. Creepy. He didn't talk much. Other than to remark about how this was way too confusing and he had no idea what he was doing either.

Tifa liked the sub. Always did. She'd grown up in the mountains like me, and had never seen it before, but fell in love with it in an instant. Any excuse to be near the water was good enough for her. Yuffie was too busy being seasick to care about any of it. Red was like me, though. Scared not of what was lurking out there, but of the water itself. And Cait, well... fuck Cait.

Part of me wondered how Aeris would've like the ocean. Then I remembered how we buried her. Maybe that's not the best memory to have.

We'd lived in Costa del Sol for a while, and I never got over my fear of the ocean. "You kids have fun," I' dsay as Yuffie ran screaming into the ocean and Cloud chased her. I'd sit back up on shore with the "Old Guy Squad", as Yuffie called it. Barret didn't want his gunarm ruined by the salt, and Vincent refused to strip, ever. He'd say something like his headmates didn't like the idea of getting wet, or something. Hell, I'm not gonna argue with the headmates. That apparently doesn't end well for him.

Now in Edge, there was no ocean. Nothing to be afraid of, except the unknown on the edges of the continent.

That is, until Barret presented me with Marlene, a pink and yellow swimsuit with a rubber ducky innertube, and a reservation for a hotel in Costa del Sol.

I bit back a swear, then asked, "Why me?"

"Well," he started, scratching the back of his head. "Coal mining's just started back up in Corel, and they want me overseeing it. Tifa's got her hands full with Denzel, and Cloud's always all over the place."

I began to think of any other alternative. Yuffie's a goddamned kid herself. Nanaki's a cat. Dog. Lion. Thing. The fuck is he, anyway? "Vincent?" I suggested.

Barret leaned in and hissed, "He's a nice guy, but his friends aren't."

"Good point."

Right. Now I had a kid, a hotel in Costa del Sol, and... "TWO WEEKS?!"

"Yup!"

"WHY?!"

"That's how long they think it'll take for the air quality to stop being so bad, from all the fresh coal and such. I don't want my little Marlene to turn into a canary."

"But Daddy," Marlene chirped, "I like canaries!"

I sighed. Great. Two weeks. The fucking ocean. And a child. Shit. Shit fuck dammit cocksuckerfuckheads. Fuck. FUCK. FUUUUUCK.

Okay. Great. Okay. I can do this. I gotta be brave for the kid. Do it for her. Do it for her. Do it for her. Do it for her. I can do this.

Two weeks later, I came back to Edge with an awesome tan. I left behind my fear of the ocean. Mostly.

Still don't want to go too deep. We never did finish off Emerald Weapon. Let's hope I don't see it any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "CLOUD DON'T FIGHT EMERALD WEAPON"  
> "I'M GONNA PUNCH IT IN THE FACE TIFA YOU CAN'T STOP ME"  
> "Cloud please no."  
> "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO NANAKI"  
> "Yo dude don't do that it's a bad idea."  
> "I DON'T CARE, BARRET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"  
> "*urk*"  
> "I WILL TAKE THAT AS A YES, YUFFIE"  
> "........................................ no."  
> "... ye--"  
> "No."  
> "No. Got it. Good point. Thanks. Bad idea. Understood."  
> "... I'm gonna fight it."  
> "CHAOS NO"  
> "CHAOS YES"


	6. The Best Day Ever!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene's school assignment.

_Ms. Canterbapple,_   
_I understand that this is an odd story for you to read, but my daughter has an incredibly powerful imagination. She's a brilliant girl._

_Thank you,_   
_Mr. Wallace_

The Best Day Ever! By Marlene Wallace  
Illustrations by Marlene Wallace

[](http://imgur.com/9w7cI9Z)

the best day ever was when my daddy came back after the meteor had fallen and he got me from kalm!

I aksed if he had fought the meteor and he sed yea!!!! he punched it good!!!!!!

and Ms. Tifa was there too and she sed he fought it real good!!!!!

and Mr. Vincnt was there too and he pickd me up and sed I was gonna liv with them!

and I asked wer the flower lady was and Ms. Tifa sed she was taking care of the flowers!

I miss the flower lady. she wears pink like me!

it was the BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

[](http://imgur.com/JZYpRQU)

_Dear Mr. Wallace,_   
_Your daughter is, indeed, quite imaginative and creative. She has a way with words, at her age!_   
_If you'd like, we could broach the subject of dealing with loss at some point. Perhaps you could bring "Ms. Tifa" and, I presume, "Mr. Vincent", too. They seem very important to her._

_-Sandra Canterbapple_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been in kindergarten in a looooong time. And while I did the research, I don't think my handwriting/drawing skills mirror a 5 year old's well enough, nor does my typing. Regardless, I think she would be deeply affected by the goings on of FF7, and they would affect her schoolwork.  
> This is partially inspired by my former series, "Superdog and Wonderpup", a pair of intrepid canine superheroes who were gonna save the world from the evil scheming Dr. Cat!


	7. Motherhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tifa muses on her current situation.

For one of the few times during the day, I was mostly alone in the 7th Heaven. Mostly.

Cid took Marlene out for ice cream. I'm starting to think she might be a bit lactose intolerant. Or maybe she just convinces everyone to get her the biggest ice cream, and she just feels so full, she feels sick. Kids're like that.

Cloud's keeping an eye on Denzel. Not that Denzel doesn't mind. Denzel's over the moon for Cloud, and would probably do about anything to hang out with him.

Barret's downstairs in the quiet room, making some calls about the slowly growing coal business back in Corel. The world needed an energy source, and while coal wasn't the cleanest thing, it was better than literally eating the lifeblood of the Planet. And hey, Barret was the guy to go to for coal.

Yuffie's out with Nanaki. Nanaki really wanted to get some juice or something like that, and he can't go out without someone with him. If Nanaki puts on a vest, we can pretend he's a service animal, and he can point out whatever it is he'd like from the store.

Cait Sith's sitting, deactivated, in the corner. Reeve is hunched over the robotics in the center of the moogle, figuring out some weird bug that caused the moogle to kick things it wasn't supposed to. He whistled to himself as he worked. Reno hung around over his shoulder, whistling along. I'd offered the both of them a drink. They'd respectfully declined. Reno had to drive home, and Reeve can't work under the influence. Even when I told them my drinks weren't THAT hard, they insisted. Oh well. Their loss.

Vincent was hanging out upstairs. I'd checked on him five minutes ago. He'd apparently been having some issues with the headmates, and the lot of them were bickering about what to leave on the TV. Vincent had wanted to leave it off. Chaos wanted to watch... a series of documentaries. The other three had been bickering about whether to watch cartoons, the news, or cheesy daytime soap operas. Either they'd decided arguing wasn't worth it, or they'd just given up. Every now and then, Vincent would just turn off the TV. And then, he'd turn it back on, and put the remote somewhere odd in the room.

Better not question it.

I'd realized, at some point, that I was the "Team Mom". I knew where everyone was, what everyone was supposed to be doing, etc.. I cooked, mostly because Barret wasn't as good as he thought. Cid could make a good tea, but not a good meal. Red didn't have thumbs. Vincent COULD cook, but not often enough. Sometimes he'd just present us with raw meat. Then blink back to himself, then swear.

I wasn't sure how to feel about it. There was a sort of pride involved, in keeping track of everyone and being the beacon of support. It was tiring, and it was a bit overwhelming, but it was... a pride I had.

Elmyra had come by recently, and left us another flower arrangement. I had asked if this one was heading up north, just to be sure, and she said no. This one was for me.

"Congratulations," she'd said.

"On what?" I had asked, setting the flower arrangement on the kitchen table.

"The kids," she said.

"I'm not--"

"Well, I know you're not. You're not that sort of a mom. Not yet." She had smiled. "But you've got that look to you, you know?"

In this moment now, I instinctively shouted up the stairs, "The remote stays up THERE!"

"... But!"

"NO BUTS."

A dramatic sigh. "FINE, Mom." The remote clattered instead against the wall in another room.

I really... did have that mom voice, didn't I? I guess I really was the team's mom. I could get used to this. Maybe. Something crashed downstairs, and Barret swore loudly. Meanwhile, a pair of AA batteries clattered down the stairs.

I could do this, as long as the stress didn't kill me first.


	8. My One Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A followup meeting with Ms. Canterbapple. How could it go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cal: please bring vincent to kindergarten  
> soren: i'm gonna write a bonus chapter about that  
> Cal: vincent thinking all the kids are gonna be scared of his big metal arm but they all want to play with it  
> soren: "i'm a monster"  
> "really?! so'm I! RAWR!"  
> Cal: AW  
> soren: chaos is just like "i want to eat them but they're too cute to eat"  
> Cal: chaos..

I woke up sitting in a brighty colored plastic chair. Gunarm Swearsalot was sitting to my left, with his larva sitting in his lap, fidgetting. To his left was Punchypunch Scarymom. She was looking at the talkbox in her hand.

The room around us was painted white like clouds, and the floor a deep blue, like the sea. There were tables, and other, much smaller chairs. All very brightly colored. Drawings and bright things adorned the walls. It hurt my eyes.

I pressed the fleshhand against my fleshy forehead. I wasn't about this life. Everything was too bright, too loud, too...

This is hardly a life-or-death situation. Why on earth would I get called up? I wasn't even vouching for power! But I'm here now, and I'm. Confused.

Gunarm saw me, looking confused. He looked at Punchypunch, and they exchanged words. The larva was unceremoniously dropped in her lap, and Gunarm said to me, "Hey, let's go get you a drink or something."

I looked up. I know his name, right? I think I know his name. I nodded. He helped me to my feet, then lead me outside into a hallway. Then, into a tiled room. It smelled like clean.

He pressed his fleshhand against his forehead, like I had done earlier. He started with, "Chaos, what the everloving FUCK are you doing here?"

I shrugged in reply. "Your guess is as good as mine."

"Vincent was supposed to be here."

"Well, he's not saying anything." I checked. Hello? You in there? ........... "Yeah, he's real quiet."

"Were you fighting him or something?"

"No, actually!" I laughed and said, "I wanted to take a nap, actually. The others were pretty out of it, too. But then, he just clocks out, and we've got no one at the helm."

"And no one else wanted it?"

"They kind of pushed me in front, actually. They don't like dealing with things much anymore."

Gunarm sighed, then swore a few times. He finally turned around and said, "Alright. Do you know the situation right now?" I shook my head. "Do you know where we are?" I shook my head again. He nodded. The lot of them had gotten used to asking both me and Vincent these questions. We were always a little disoriented when we popped in when we weren't actively bickering.

"Here's the situation," Gunarm began. Is his name Barret? I think it's Barret. "We're currently in a kindergarten."

"Oh, will the kinders be ready for harvest soon?"

He paused, then swore, then said, "God dammit, Chaos, you can't eat the kids!"

"You're right. They're not nearly ripe enough yet."

Barret rested his head against the wall, then said some kind of prayer to one of the older ones. Asking for guidance, serenity, something like that. He looked at me and said, "My daughter's teacher, Ms. Canterbapple, wants a meeting with the three of us. Me, Tifa, and you. Vincent." Right, Punchypunch's name is Tifa. She punches hard, though. "I know we ain't hardly normal, and you know that, and she knows that, too."

"The bapple? Or the Tifa?"

"The--that's actually funny. The bapple." He chuckled. "The bapple doesn't know how fucked up we are, but she knows we're a bit unconventional." I nodded. "What I need from you, for like half an hour, is to be as normal as physically possible."

I began to say something smarmy, then asked, "What would happen if I were to give the impression that Vincent was currently out, and that an elder demon WEAPON-type thing was currently in his place and trying to figure out when the kinders would be ready to be eaten?"

Barret rested his gunarm on his hip, then wiped his face with the other. He seemed... panicked, the same way most people do when they're facing the real me down, and I'm about to take out their vocal chords. Barret finally said, after he wiped some sweat from his brow, "It won't be pretty, Chaos."

I couldn't quite conceive of what he was talking about, but I could imagine. He wouldn't be happy with me. Tifa would punch me. She punches HARD. And Vincent, well, he'd eat nothing but healthy veggies for the forseeable future.

A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!!

I looked at Barret, who was running water on his face, and said, "I'll do my best." I adjusted my posture to more closely imitate Vincent's. I pitched my voice up, to his normal levels, and tucked the metalarm behind my back, like he's used to doing. I asked, "How's this?"

Barret looked me over, then said, "As long as no one looks too much at your eyes, you'll be fine."

We went back to the brightly colored room, where the larva was still in Tifa's lap, and a new person had appeared. This one had long red hair, partially tied in a bun, and a warm expression. Warm expressions usually didn't last long when they're facing me down. But I had to admit, this one was nice feeling.

The red haired one stood and said, "You must be Mr. Wallace."

"That I am," Barret replied. Barret Mr. Wallace. Human names are weird.

They shook hands, then the red haired one turned to me and said, "You must be Vincent."

Barret looked at me, as did Tifa. The larva squirmed, then was released. It scuttled over to the table, where it began to use waxy sticks on paper. I returned my attention to the adult in the room and said, in my most Vincently voice, "Yes. Vincent."

The adult offered me its hand and said, "I'm Ms. Canterbapple." Ohhhh, THIS is the Bapple! I shook the Bapple's hand, then it said, "Please, have a seat."

I sat down in the colored chair again. The Bapple turned its attention to Barret, starting with, "I understand that you're Marlene's adoptive father." He nodded in reply. The Bapple turned to Tifa and asked, "Your relation with her?"

Tifa replied, "I run the restaurant that Marlene and Barret have been staying at. I also help keep an eye on her while Barret's working."

The Bapple nodded, then turned to me. "And you, Vincent?"

What did Vincent do. What did Vincent do. What DOES he do? I have no idea what he does! I cleared my throat, trying to think. Think, think, the fuck does he do? He sits and he mopes and he just...

"He's one of Tifa's friends. Serves as a waiter." Barret smiled as he answered.

I nodded in reply, then said, "I'm um. Not that good with words."

The Bapple seemed to understand. It began speaking with Barret and Tifa about "Marlene". I think that's the name of the larva. It's a cute larva. I know Vincent likes it. As I understand the entire process, the larva go through a horrific process called "puberty", then emerge into fully fledged adults. The adults don't like it when I rend the larva limb from limb. They scream a lot. The little ones ru--

"Yo, Vince."

Barret elbowed me. I looked over. "Huh?" I asked.

"You were a little out there." He pointed to the Bapple, who was looking at me expectantly.

It asked again, "What role precisely do you have with Marlene's enrichment?"

Enrichment... I stroked my chin in thought, then said, "Well... I help with... homework."

The Bapple nodded in thought. "If memory serves, you've signed off on some of her homework logs." There're logs for homework now? I'll have to ask Vincent about that. "She speaks fondly of you."

I brushed some hair out of my face. I replied, "Yeah, she uhh. She likes the cloak."

"Is there a reason you wear it?" the Bapple asked, more out of curiosity.

"Medical condition," I replied. It was true. Because of his status as "technically dead", Vincent was almost always cold. The cloak kept him warm, and made him feel a bit safer. I liked it, too. It was heavy on my shoulders, a constant, reassuring presence.

The Bapple didn't press too hard on it, and instead focused more on the discussion of the Marlene creature. Vincent was quite fond of the Marlene, I knew that much. Whenever I vied for control while it was around, he shut me down immediately. If she came around while he was still somewhere in the back of my head, he'd fight me for control.

Right now, he was... nowhere. And the Marlene was sitting with her wax sticks. She put the wax down, and inspected the thing she had created on the paper. She scampered up to us and said, "Daddy, Daddy, look!"

The thing in her hand resembled... well, waxy scribbles on paper. But Barret beamed and said, "Wow! It's great!" He pointed at one of the scribbles that I couldn't see from this angle and said, "Look, Tifa, it's me and you!"

Tifa leaned over and gasped, saying, "Yeah, it is! And there's Marlene, with her favorite pink dress!" Marlene beamed, practically a ray of sunshin. Shit. Am I getting sentimental? I am. Shit. Stop that. I'm CHAOS, damm-- "Is that Mr. Vincent?"

"Yeah!"

"Why don't you show him?"

She scampered over to me and presented me with the paper. "Look!" she said, scrambling to get it up over my knees. "Look, look!" On the paper was a splotch of red, a thing of brown and green, a thing of black and white, and something that looked brown and pink.

I looked over the art, and did my best to smile. I could create better works of art with ketchup and pickles, but I wasn't going to say that to her. "Very nice," I said instead. With my fleshhand, I patted her on the head. Please go away small child.

Indeed, she scurried off. Soon, the Bapple allowed us to leave. Barret picked up Marlene, then, per her request, dropped her on my shoulders. I stared at him, and he smiled. And mouthed, "HURT HER AND DIE." Right. I didn't need two people telling me that.

Once we were back at the house, Vincent finally asked, _Did you have fun?_

With Marlene in the other room, taking a nap, I hissed, "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO?!"

_Awwwwwww, were you worried about me?_

"I HAD TO DEAL WITH SMALL CHILDREN!!" Tifa and Barret were in the living room, sitting on the couch, watching me hiss to myself.

_And you did it with such grace and decorum! I'm proud._

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!" I threw myself into the easy chair. The two of them looked at me, all concerned like. "He's BACK," I told them.

 _Sorry about the sudden departure._ He was easy, relaxed, like he hadn't been gone for a few hours. If I pushed him that far out, he came back agitated, angry, fighting for dominance. But now... _That was the um. The kindergarten and preschool I was going to send..._

I sighed. "That makes sense."

"What does?" Tifa asked.

"Bad memories," I told her. "Not... really my place."

We swapped, and I was back in the inside of his mind. The noise and sights came from a screen, somewhere, and I was able to just relax and take a nap.

Before I took that nap, though, Vincent thought to me, _Thanks, Chaos. I appreciate that._

"It was a one time thing," I replied, closing my eyes and resting. "It's not going to happen again."

He laughed at that.


	9. Tinkering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reeve muses on the formation of our favorite spy robot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise

I swore loudly as the wire zapped my finger. Tifa's glare didn't need to be seen to be felt. I repeated the swear much quieter. She relented.

"Mother HUBBARD," I growled. Stupid fucking robot with its stupid fucking face and its stupid fucking glitches.

I felt something rest on my thigh, and saw Cait Sith #5 resting its little elbows there. Its little head was in its little pawsums. I knew I made the whole line based on cats for a reason. It asked, "How's it going?"

I lifted the little robot onto my knee, so it could get a look. The first few test models of Cait had been made with heavy metal and ugly felt, but the latest ones were aluminum and minky fur. They certainly didn't look like actual cats, but for the purpose they were built for originally, they didn't need to.

I pointed at the faulty wiring inside Moogletron and said, "Something's fried in there. That's what's making it kick things."

Cait Sith nodded in understanding. They were designed to be curious, to ask questions and observe and learn everything they could. Like real cats. And like spies, I suppose. The cat shape definitely helped them appear innocuous, and no one could ever suspect a cat.

This was the fifth Cait and Moogle pair I had made. The first was a proof of concept, and the second shipped out with Cloud and company. That one uhh... well, I watched on the feeds what it's like to get crushed into materia, before the cameras gave out.

That hadn't actually been my decision, really. Cait came up with it on his own, knowing that I had been making more Caits. Cait #3 was ready to go, so...

"Look!" Cait Sith said, climbing over my knee and into the bowels of Moogletron. "There's a little bit here that looks burnt."

"Really?" I pulled out my magnifying glass and... "Yeah, you're right. That's the issue."

I started to pull out my tweezers, to yank it out, but Cait said, "Lemme get it."

"Alright, but be careful. Who knows what's live in there right now."

Cait #3 lived a good life, until the Northern Crater fiasco. He got left behind. I whipped up #4 while Barret and Tifa were in prison, and they weren't any the wiser. Thank goodness Cloud never trusted the thing with materia. #4 didn't make it out of the crater, but #5 was already helping me evacuate Midgar when the Meteor came do--

"Hey!"

I jumped.

"I got it!" Cait Sith proudly held up the singed bit of motherboard.

I patted him happily on the head. They don't have nerve endings, no, but they know that's how I show affection. I took the bit of motherboard and said, "This is what makes Moogletron cast magic. Without this, he's got no way of offence."

"Hence the kicking?"

"Hence the kicking."

"Why didn't he just say?"

"Moogletron has really rudimentary speech algorithms, unlike you. He only has a few stock fortune phrases, and he doesn't have the smarts to put them together into a sentence." Cait nodded in understanding. "I'll have to either make a new motherboard, or this Moogletron's going out to pasture."

Cait hummed to himself, then asked, "Don't you have another Moogletron handy?"

"I'd have to make one."

"Why a Moogle, anyway?"

"Because they're cute."

"Why not a Tonberry? Those are cute."

"Your definitions of cute are always worrying."

Tifa had placed a cup of lemonade down next to me, and I finally took the time to drink it. Cait stared longingly and asked, "Why can't I drink or eat things?"

"Because your insides don't have a digestive tract, and you can't physically process this form of energy either way." I paused for a moment and asked, "Would you mind if I did some tests on how you got energy?"

"If it means I don't have to be plugged into a wall anymore, that would be great."

"Yeah, no. I was thinking a mobile powersource." I pulled out my notebook and started sketching. "It would be a big battery, and it would sit in your tummy."

"Could I put it in my mouth and have it go into my belly?"

"That could work." I sketched that out. "And you'd have sensors telling you when you were low on battery, so you'd know when to change them out, or recharge the whole apparatus."

Cait climbed up onto my shoulder and watched me work. Creating was always my strong suit, and it definitely flourished when I got Cait in my life. Sure, the rest of AVALANCHE might not like him, but he's my baby. Always has been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far, we only have two or three more characters to look into. Should finish up... sometime? Eventually?


	10. My Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denzel talks about his hero.

I got sick after the Meteor fell.

Really sick. Sicker than I had ever been. Sicker than I would probably ever be. I got weak and couldn't play outside anymore. I oozed from my forehead.

Lots of us were sick. Lots of people died. The grown ups thought that if we touched them, they would get it, or their kids would get it.

I was scared. Really scared. Cloud and Tifa took care of me, and Marlene helped, but I still was sick, and scared. A strange man came and said he would fix me. He didn't.

For a long time, ,Cloud sai that he was gonna fix us all and save us, make us stop hurting. But it wasn't him.

It was her. The lady in pink.

She made it rain. She saved us.

Cloud said she was an angel. A real angel.

I think he's right.


End file.
